Some people have running shoes or walking shoes or dancing shoes. I have shopping shoes. I didn’t intend to have shopping shoes; nature conspired and I was compelled. I can’t remember when I first knew that I needed them. It might have been on a very low humidity day or right after the market I frequent got new carts. But I know for sure that it involved something that looked like a bolt of lightning when I touched a can of tomatoes and when I was heard to loudly utter a rather bad word in front of my fellow shoppers. Since I didn’t think that attaching a chain to my ankle and dragging it behind me so that I would be permanently grounded made the best of sense, I decided to take other measures. There may still be shoppers out there who are telling tales of the woman who tapped a key on the shelf or refrigerator door handle before she reached for anything metal. Interesting side note: don’t use any key that has some sort of electronics in it. The jolt will fry the chip. I’d have been happy to live my life as the key tapper had it not been for the incident that broke the camel’s back.
Innocently reaching up to a top shelf for my favorite chocolate, I received a major jolt after touching the foil wrapper. Really?!? Who thinks they will be electrocuted by a candy bar? Since I was already moving the chocolate towards me, physics took over when I yelped and let go of it. Striking me first on the face and then landing on the floor, the object of my pain lay quietly at my feet. I looked sheepishly around to see if there was anybody else in the aisle (there wasn’t), picked up the candy and tossed it in the cart. I figured if it took that much abuse, I should probably buy it. There was still more shopping to do so, armed with my key, I continued along. Suddenly I sneezed, grabbed a tissue and noticed quite a bit of blood. It seems that the chocolate bar had split my lip when it hit me. This might possibly explain why several people in the frozen foods aisle stared at me but doesn’t explain why somebody didn’t mention I was bleeding all over my face. By the way, I have a scar on my upper lip now and if people ask I tell them I got it while shopping. I like to think that they imagine I was all kung-fuey during the Christmas rush at a department store. That sounds so much better than being attacked by 6 ounces of chocolate.
Once I got home and cleaned up, I used my Google prowess and discovered anti-static shoes. I am the proud owner of a pair of Birkenstocks with anti-static insoles which I wear whenever I set foot in that store. They work! I can be seen picking up cans and chocolate bars with wild abandon and I now shop without fear.